The Cucumber’s Summer (Well the 1st week of it at least)
Well I just got out of school last week on Friday and so far I have done NOTHING yet. I was starting to get sick on Monday of last week where I was standing in my science class because I didn’t want to stand up. Til I couldn’t take it anymore I asked my teacher if I could go to the nurse. Which wasn’t a problem since my attendance is good, my grades were good and I stayed after if needed of help. Plus, it was my last week and we weren’t doing much of anything in school but watching movies and playing card, DS games, or being on your iPod or iPhone, or whatever phone doing who knows what. She understood and on top of that she wasn’t feeling well either. Its a good thing my teachers were so relaxed and that I always try to the best of my ability even though I’m a lazy piece of shit.
I went to the nurse and called my mom to take me. It took a while but she came and bought me an everything bagel with cream cheese at our local Heritage which was down the street of my high school. After that I just laid down in my room.
Once friday hit and I was noticed during the week that I passed math by one point with a 65 which is a D…a very low D. I was so happy I had that weight off my shoulders of being in danger of being in summer school. I had to go home early since my mom went to brunch with her old co-workers and I had to watch my younger sibling while she was out for an hour or two to have lunch and to get my uncle and his friend (my uncle is 18 and his friend is 19). I was pretty glad that I went home early since I was getting sick again.
Later in the day we went to 2 malls. The one I hate with the “scene” kids and the one near the shore. But I was damn happy we went to the shore despite me being under the weather. My uncle and his friend noticed I seemed "out of it" which I replied that I was under the weather. At the shore I suspected my uncle’s friend flirting with me a little bit. They were both doing this thing called “crabbing” that they made up which is you putting your hands up like a crab and walking like one turning to the side. They wanted me to do it but I was in no mood since my nose was stuffy and I was feeling light. While we were going back to the car some black guys were doing that thing with their hands (like in an Italian motion) which means…well the whole joke is them saying you dropped something then doing that Italian gesture with your hand. For some reason I had gotten this swift feeling of depression as they laughed and everything. I knew it was a joke but for some reason I felt ugly and everything of the sort. During the car ride I was having suicidal thoughts.
I know I’ve been very depressed lately. All my friends haven’t asked me in months if they want to hang out maybe one every once in a while but it is usually my friend Matt. My friend Kyra hasn’t really contacted me in months but talks to me in History. I sat in the middle between my friend Matt and Kyra toward the door of the classroom in the front rows. I talk to Kyra and play around with Matt as he usually kicks my desk and flips the bird on me. I actually looked forward to History ever since we moved to new desks as the school year was coming to an end. But I hated when they were tired cause I was always anxious and wanted to move about and talk and joke around or whatever.
Most of my friends don’t really hang with me or ask too much. I mean I didn’t go to animeNEXT and I’m not going to Warped Tour because either no one wanted to go or couldn’t. Most of my friends are looking for something better and I’m really just there to most people. I mean my Vice Principle didn’t even know I went to this school and he saw me like a few months ago maybe about 3 about a girl making fun of my friend in science and asking me questions about it. I had went down there recently last week because my idiot gym teacher marked me absent when I was sitting right in front of his face.
I had, had a break down on Sunday from my mom saying something as meant to be worried about me but approached me in a negative way. I can’t really remember what she said to me. But I didn’t break because of what she said but it was my own loneliness getting the best of me. I at least cried for maybe 2 hours (maybe 3) and was sitting in my bathroom in the dark for maybe about 10 or 20 minutes. It didn’t help when my uncle, dad, and mom were asking me what was wrong and it didn’t help at all when my mom was asking “whats the matter” she kept bothering me that day and I was perfectly FINE until she came into my room and said something. I was almost on the verge of calling the crisis hotline. I’ve been so upset lately and all I want to do is get out the house and I can’t because no one wants to interact with me or even be around me. I get that I don’t talk a lot, and that I’m not everyone’s favorite, or that I’m not into the latest thing. My interest has even gotten low to the point where I’m not interested in much of anything. Its like I’m on withdrawal without the knowledge of it. My birthday is coming up next month on the 25th and I don’t care much for it at all. I’ll be turning 17. 17 and miserable until college. I really want to deactivate my facebook but its the only way to keep in contact with some of the people til I get a phone. But if I got one no one would text me or call me so it really doesn’t make a difference since I’m probably going to just have one person contact me.
My mom asked today if I was alright today as she was helping with my hair and all cause I couldn’t get the back of it and I had to lie and say that “I’m fine.” which I hate saying. I hate to have to tell her that. But I don’t want her to think its a “teenager thing” or laugh at me or think it will go away when I’ve been in a lot of pain for months on end. I really don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t even interact with anyone when I really want to. I’ve applied to about 5 jobs during the course of this week on the internet since I’m so timid and I know my mom doesn’t want to…do much of anything. She keeps saying to study my drivers book and to run on the tread mill but I have no motivation to. Its very depressing and I need HELP. I’m trying to hang on since I only have my junior and senior year left now but I’m so ANXIOUS. I just want to get out of here. I just want to be happy…
So far with the Cucumber
To make some of these long stories short. I’ll go over each of them briefly of what has been happening and whats happening currently.
A couple months ago in February I met Of Mice & Men and it was the longest line but my friend’s boyfriends’s mom magically got us in. Cause she knew that kids were cutting in line and stealing tickets. I felt really bad when I heard that a girl had gotten surgery and she wasn’t suppose to be at the mall where the signing was since she was still suppose to be in the hospital. And they wouldn’t let her MEET THEM. If I knew where she was I would have given her my ticket and told her she needed it more than I did.
A couple months later that guy Jeremy broke up with my friend Lauren (the guy who was flirting with me and then went to my friend since I was taking “long” to respond) It was really funny when she had his stuff in a plastic bag and when to his lunch table and threw it in his face saying "Here’s your shit for the bitch you like." me and my friend Breanne stood up to see it. Then the week after we gave him a empty chocolate milk carton and my friend went up to the lunch table he was sitting at as she crushed the carton saying "We’re sending our regards to tell you you’re thirsty (desperate as we call it down here) as fuck." and it was just the funniest thing ever for me cause the look on his face was PRICELESS! I still can’t understand that everyone didn’t care for me and told me to get over it but with Lauren it was different. But that’s a different story.
I recently won an award for my World of Difference club. Pretty much it’s a club that raises awareness and helps out with the school and all. Everyone said I looked really nice and that my make-up was flawless. I also signed up for transition; helping out the freshman starting off high school and all that jazz.
And today this crap. I’m just gonna put the post I put on facebook so I’m not here saying this all day
"I still can’t wrap my finger on why people have to be rude at my school and for no reason what so ever. Like you can be the nicest person ever but then everyone insist on treating that person like crap or ignoring them. For goodness sake I was pushed in the hallway cause I "wasn’t walking fast enough" and then she proceeded to say "walk, just fucking walk." Mind you I’m 4’11 and any girl this height can’t walk as fast and on the other hand there were too many people in front of me for me to even move. But seriously I didn’t deserve it no one deserves it. We all wake up at 6 in the morning, some of us study hard to get a decent grade and HOPE to pass whatever we’re weak in then some of us might have issues at home. Like for the love of GAWD can we be MATURE we’re in HIGH SCHOOL. The least you can say is excuse me or better yet if your in a hurry just push through non exaggerated like there is a fire. Like please, god damn."
also some dude was looking at my butt and the girl he was walking with got angry. Mind you I’m walking and talking with my best friend Shayna and I had accidentally hit my glasses off my face so I had to pick it up right? I did and the gut must of stopped and the girl he was walking with was wondering why he stopped.
"She was picking up her glasses"
"Why are you looking at her butt?"
"What butt? I’m not looking at it…"
"Yes you were! You’re looking at it right now! Stop looking at her butt!"
Well non-theless I was wearing batman booty shorts that said “BATMAN” on the back of it. They only reason I was wearing such short shorts was because, 1) it was 91 degrees outside today and 2) That’s all they have for girls is short shorts.
My ex is still a fucking idiot because he can’t fight his own battles, he’s immature, and can’t word his shit correctly even if he is making a god damn statement, like a topic we all agree on. He makes it sound STUPID!
I however, am struggling with up and down depression. I live in such a boring place with such STALE people who want to do NOTHING all day and all night. And my interest in things has went down to the bottom. Where I’m not interested in much of anything because I lack something to do. It hurts not having motivation and to have truly nothing in life until you’re off to college or done high school.
I had also recently went to six flags and spent it with my best friend although it was raining most of the time.
And I currently don’t have a crush on anyone at the moment. I know what I want in someone and that’s what I was taught so far. To know what I want and never let being alone stop you from getting what you truly desire. I learned to not let lonelyness get the best of me.
The Shit I Go Through…
To make things short I’m gona make the last couple months brief and to the point so I can talk about the present.
So I had my birthday party with Lauren. Not a lot of people came. Only Brendan, Dan, Nick, Lauren, Jackie, and Shayna came. Which is fine. I still had fun…even though it rained a bit then, so we had to come out the pool. We played with the beach ball and they ad eaten all the food. Which was good. We played truth or dare since my friend had it on her phone. I got the “Lick whipped cream off Dan’s stomach.” …. and I had whipped cream but he rejected it, good thing I didn’t say anything and had refused so he didn’t suspect anything. But before all that we were in my baseemnt watching “Soul Eater” and “The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya”. They liked Haruhi Suzumiya a lot. I also showed them “PONPONPON” and they were all just weirded out except for me and Shayna. Nick didn’t think it was all that bad (I know he’s probablt seen WAY worse). Dan wanted to know what the point of it was and Brendan was just like WTF. My uncle was there, he already saw it but he was like omg no. Then I showed them the he man “HEEYYYAAAAYEEEAAAHHHAAAAYAAAAY” video and they all referred to Dan to it. I couldn’t stop laughing when they said that would be him in the future. And that was that the whole B-Day party.
2 months later school started and all my teachers are smooth sailing and to my liking. I’m pretty happy I can past this year with a breeze. High school teachers, so far so good. No issues yet really, its just been a breeze since I’ve been in high school.
A few months later we had Hurricane Sandy come visit us…But nothing happen on my side of where I live. I did feel sorry for those who lost their lives and were hit. Some people on facebook said it wasn’t a big deal and you just punch them in the face, curse them out, and put them in shame. We had to have halloween on November 1st, but good thing we didn’t have school the next day since there was a teacher convention… meeting thing. I went trick or treating with Sarah, Kyra, Nick, Lauren, Bridgette, Dominic, and Sarah’s little brother. Fun night and all, all was good.
A month later Nick and Lauren broke up and I was like why? The world is truly ending. And it was all because she likes Skinny Jeanz (Andrew). Then they got together. Then Nick broke up with her since first it was Lauren. He said the happiness of the relationship went away. Hmmm… then Sarah and Dugger broke up…this was all because of Skinny Jeanz. Since they both cuddle him every morning in our club morning jolt that we do the school announcements on.
Then for New Years Eve I went to New York. I had slept over Shayna’s house the previous night and got a headache. I got pretty sick and I couldn’t hold the new member of the family when I went to New York. I went with my Granddfather who I call DaDa. Don’t ask why its just…I don’t know. My mom, my little brother, and my uncle. Shayna and Breanne had put makeup on me before I went so I looked older to people. I had people hitting on me there I HAD SOMEONE WHISPER IN MY EAR HAPPY NEW YEAR! IT WAS WEIRD. We were trying to see the ball drop but we were blocked by cops so we couldn’t see the performers or here then cause they were blowing horns which pissed me and my mom off. Then someone passed out in the middle of the crowd and landed on my moms feet. The cops didn’t even do anything then they had the nerve to move a car in the middle of the crowd. On our way back my mom was asking some cops where to go for the train and that she was trying to get to her brother’s house. They thought she was a little kid saying "Isn’t it past your bedtime." and "Shouldn’t you already be there. It’s pretty late". Me and my uncle just burst out laughing. On our way back there was an asian couple talking to me and my uncle asking how we were, Happy new year, where we were from, stuff like that. It was nice. We had people screaming on the streets going “WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” going wild. But before all this we saw a bum take a dollar from a performer on the subway. It was funny but the guy did get his dollar back from another guy. It was a good new years despite waiting in the cold for an hour to see no ball dropping.
And now I go to the present.
So I had been talking and flirting with my friend Jeremy over the winter break and all. I was perfectly okay with that, I thought it was cute. A lot of people thought we would be cute together. But alas, he had asked me out and I just froze. I was scared of being hurt again and I didn’t say anything. I told him I needed more time to think about. Then finally when I’m ready he says that he was having family problems and that his aunt was in the hospital and that he wanted to be friends nothing more or less. I understood that, I’d wait until they were done. But then here was the kicker. One day he asked me for my friend Lauren’s number. I was going to ask why but I didn’t want to be snoody. I didn’t know her number since my phone was off and all and I needed a new one. It was until then that about maybe 3 days later that Lauren told me her and Jeremy were playing 20 questions and he asked her if she liked him. She said that he kind of did. I just stood there like…I knew this was going to happen from the moment he asked me for her number. I just didn’t wana believe it. She asked me on our way to lunch if it was okay if she went out with him I just said "I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know whether tomorrow I’ll be okay with it or hit you with a ton of bricks.” she knew I was starting to like him. Then at lunch she told my friends Michelle, Floppy Disk (Andrew Mirm), and Mackenzie. Michelle said "If you were a real friend you’d say no." Andrew agreed. “But I kind of like him too.” she said. Then it all hit me. I was mad… hot mad like a bundle of spicy food. She wanted to hug me, she wanted me to hit her hand or something. I did nothing, I told her to not touch me when she was coming to give me a hug. It was an awkward lunch. And then to top it all done they were FLIRTING IN MY FACE! I went home and I was so angry…so upset. I felt worthless. I felt stupid. My head was spiraling with emotions, memories stirring, I couldn’t even study for my test barely. I had barely wanted to do my math quiz. I had felt my face flush red and I knew it wasn’t the heat but it was this demon inside me clawing on my insides. I felt betrayed and lied to. How naive I was, Why am I so naive…? My happiness was drained after this. At lunch I asked why to Michelle the day Lauren told me what was up she said "Bad things happen to good people." I said nothing, I did nothing, all I did was stand there and let it sink in. The next day, I didn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t eat anything, I hid like a coward instead. My friends had texted me asking if I was alright the previous night and that the two, Lauren and Jeremy wanted to talk to me. I said and I quote I said "I rather shit in my hand and clap to a ghetto rhythem then talk to them." I was so mad that day, that very next day. I only told Breanne what was wrong since she had asked. My new friend Shanara that’s in my science heard about it and I said "They can kiss my ass. She can kiss my ass." she laughed but I was serious. I didn’t go to lunch I went to the library instead. I did tell my best friend Shayna why I was mad and I saw her eyes lower down with not much to say. The same with Kyra. But when I went home that day my mom wanted to know what was wrong. She knew something was wrong the previous day but I knew she was getting mad at me as I lay down on my bed looking at the wall I heard her say at my door “Stop being depressed and shit. You have to learn how to drive. We are moving. Stop being depressed and shit.” average day in a black person’s household. The “Ain’t nobody got time fo dat!” people. My dad came home later and I was laying on the floor sulking he asked what was wrong and I lied and said I had a stomache but he knew it was something else but he left me alone about it. I told my mom what was up since she wouldn’t leave me alone about it. She knew what to do and gave me advice. She said “There’s nothing you can do. You have to move on. You have to smile and move on. If you stay mad at them they’ll take advantage of it. Don’t confuse friendship with relationship. He went to your friend cause you took too long to respond. It wasn’t you. He went to Lauren cause she was second best. Don’t be upset about it, they both aren’t all that anyway. You need to stop hanging around 15 year olds and hang around people your own age. Your almost a grown women. You’ll be out of here in 2 years. Lauren isn’t all that pretty anyway and she’s just a kid. Doesn’t she wear any makeup? She looks like a little girl She’s so pale, she needs a tan. Well hell he can have her.” Thats all of what she said but I knew what she was saying to me. I told Kyra that I wasn’t worried about it anymore that I had a lot to smile about. That I’ll be a grown women soon and I’ll be in New York for college and that I was excited for it. Kyra said that she was proud of me and that I was finally being mature. Then I told Shayna I was alright and I will quote what I said to her on Facebook “Yeah I told Kyra that I didn’t care anymore and if this is what Lauren wants then we should support her. I’m older and I have more important things to think about. I’m almost a grown women maybe not now but 2 years goes by fast just like 8th grade and a lot can happen in just a year. I didn’t realize that I have so much to smile about. What I did was wrong and I’m the selfish one. Not Lauren. How I acted was juvenile. If this is what she wants its what she wants. We should support her. idc if anyone doesn’t like them together its what they want. They made that decision. And no matter how much they seem full of shit atm I’m still their friend in the end.” she replied “I’m so proud of you, Shy. I’m almost crying. You’re such a mature, amazing woman. It’s so great that you realised that you have more important things and that it doesn’t help moping around. And yes, you do have a ton of things to smile about. (: I don’t think you’re selfish. You were hurt, and it’s totally understandable how you reacted the way you reacted. Friendships before relationships.” I then said thank you. and take it easy on Lauren she’s just a kid. One day she’ll understand things. You just have to talk to her about certain things so she understands." I made sure eveyone was understanding this the next day. The next day I went into school and into the cafeteria and was talking to Kyra and Michelle. Then Lauren came over almost to the verge of tears saying she needed to talk to me. I smiled and said "I need to talk to you too." I talk to her and she said "I feel really bad for what I did. If you don’t want me to go out with Jeremy I won’t. It’s just he makes me happy. But if your upset about it…" I just smiled and said "If that’s what you want Lauren I support you and him. Don’t let anyone tell you like ‘Oh I don’t like you two together.’ just say kiss my ass. Who cares what everyone has to say. Its what you want. What are you crying for? You got what you wanted, you didn’t give a damn the other day. I’m almost a grown women so what do I care." I giggled and mimicked her crying and pretending I was her at that moment saying “I’m sorry” and all. She laughed and hugged me and said I was a good friend. Well now thats settled. All that’s left is Jeremy. I wanted to talk to Jeremy at lunch but he kept running away. I wasn’t until the end of the day where I saw the two together at where all my friends me. I smiled at him and said “I need to talk to you.” and I did, the look on his face was priceless, he was so scared. "I’m sorry the way I acted. I was being juvenile. If this is what you want then I support it." he said he was sorry too then I told him to give me a hug and that were still friends. Then I smiled again but inside I was smiling deviously "You didn’t tell me you liked Lauren! Why didn’t you tell me I would have hooked you two up." he swallowed and still looked scared and spoke lowly saying "I didn’t know…" I could barely hear him I said "You thought I was gona kick you in the dick?" Lauren giggled and he said yes. I laughed and kept smiling and I said "I wouldn’t do that. I just wana give you a hug. We’re still friends." so I gave him another hug and that was the end of it. I was more worried of getting my ipod fixed since I smashed the screen trying to teach my friend how to do the wobble… She also never saw me so mad before as long as she has known me also I forgot to include. But whats done is done. Oh yeah one last thing on the day I forgave them Breanne posted this in our family private group on Facebook.
Oh…nvm she deleted it. but Shayna did post this
"Well, I am telling you all now so you know damned good and well — I am not angry or upset with anyone. If anyone has an issue with me, talk to me about it. Cause this fighting isn’t worth anything, and I’m not risking any of you for something stupid."
She was in the same situation as me as well with Sarah and Nick. Not Lauren’s Nick but a different Nick that goes to our school and that’s a senior. But that’s a different story that’s already been resolved.
Warped Tour 2012
So I went to Warped Tour this friday and my god is was amazing! I went with 2 of my friends Kyra and Lauren and it was one of the best experiences we had. I loved it I felt right at home almost like when I went to Kotori Con and animeNEXT. The bands were ALL great! All of them. The music was flawless and very addicting and catchy. I met this band called Sick Of Sarah which was an all girls bands. Let me tell you! Nicest band you will EVER meet. I guarantee you, like I shit you not! Nicest girl that I ever met in my life. EVER. My friend Kyra introduced me to them and the main singer Abisha was hilarious, beautiful, and funny. I don’t meet too many girls that were as perfect as her. I swear. After Sick Of Sarah was done playing Abisha was walking around aimlessly at Warped Tour and hung with us. She even grabbed my pikachu, I almost thought someone was trying to rob me but I jerked around and saw it was her and she hugged me from behind and even gave me and Lauren free beef jerky. When she grabbed my pikachu, again and as I jerked back all her response was “Pika Pika! Pikachuuu~!” Abisha even brought us back to her tent and said “I brought friends!” The band was really chill and we talked to them, they even helped us with where to go at Warped Tour. Later on we saw other bands like Motionless In White, Of Mice & Men, Miss May I, Tonight Alive, Falling in Reverse, Blood On The Dance Floor, and a whole bunch more. But my god those mosh pits were FUCKING CRAZY! And the crowd to see certain bands were suffocating! Me and my friends had to run for our lives from mosh pits just so we wouldn’t ger punched in the face or worse DIE. I mean I really wanted to do moshing but dying or being punched was NOT on my list that day.
When we saw Motionless In White I saw my old time friend Kyle with his girlfriend. I missed him so much! I haven’t seen him in like a YEAR. But the crowd for Motionless In White was fucking CRAZY! I was being pushed along with so many others. As soon as he said “BURN BABY BUUUURRRNNN!!!” Everyone just lost control! Some guy starting moshing with a mixture of a windmill and a fucking hellicopter. It was pretty damn funny. But we had to get out of that crowd for MIW, it was too much. Later on we saw Sleeping With Sirens, Falling In Reverse, and Blood On The Dance Floor. I saw Ronnie pransin in his boots, Kellin singing his heart out, and Dahvie with his highlighter guitar, with his colorful hair, and high pitch voice. I shit you not I didn’t even know Dahvie’s voice was naturally that HIGH. "I thought it was an act how his voice is but Wow..! It really is that high!” my friend had said as we were watching them from in the grassy field hill we had been standing watching over the 2 play. Dahvie is really hilarious with his witty attitude saying “Who touched my dick! Was it you~?! You dirty little monkey~! Behave yourself~!” and his fire extinguisher as he held it near his crotch saying “CUMMMIINNGG~!!” My friends and I were dying. I really let loose when I went to Warped Tour, Jumping around screaming, doing my growls, and running around I’m still sore a little from all that.
Tonight Alive was really good I actually checked them out today very good band. Its sad how underrated they are. They deserve as much publicity as the rest of the bands, but they will get up there. I heard a sample music of this new band that just got signed called ‘Junior Doctor’ the song was very adorable when Me, Lauren, and Kyra were listening. Very cute band I will be checking them out later on. In the evening Miss May I, Of Mice and Men, and Pierce the Veil played in the Kio Rio combined with the Kio Soul stage. We were trying to find the Kio Rio stage but when we met up with Quebec and Natalie they told us both were combined! And we did all that running around for nothing. But I blame the staff for not knowing like how can you not know yet you work there. Fucking ridiculous.
I sang my heart out for Of Mice & Men that evening same with Pierce The Veil. I knew most of the Of Mice & Men songs since I was always listening to them before I went to school in the morning. I was pretty upset that I couldn’t get Austin’s autograph and I had really have started to like the band. They have become one of my favorites. For signatures for certain bands like Pierce The Veil, Motionless In White, Falling In Reverse, the lines were insanely long like wrapping around the whole parking lot. That evening when Pierce the Veil was done playing everything had been packed up and stowed away and all you saw was trash, buses, and a few tent left still being packed up. And Dammit I didn’t get any merch cause my mom only gave me $10 for the whole damn day and all I got was a bottle of water! I’m still mad at her about that. I was so hungry! and I wanted stuff too ): At the end of the day when we got picked up to go home we smelled really bad. Like I could smell ourselves ahahaha. But Warped Tour was all worth it though. And when we got there we were at the “Secret Entrance” so we were lucky we didn’t wait in a long line. We even met a girl there with her mother and we talked to her as we waited to get in. Despite the long signing lines, the crowd, running for my life from mosh pits, and Kyra waking me up 30 minutes early from my time I was going to wake up, It was one of the best days of my life. And I hope to go again next year. :)
Anger and Impatience
I don’t understand why I had gotten so mad 2 days ago. Maybe cause I’m jealous. Most likely I am, I do admit it. I showed my friends Kyra and Shayna a picture of my crushes girlfriend. They said she was actually…cute. This oddly mad me wana punch babies and flip a desk over.
"Well its your fault for not trying to talk to him." -Shayna
"I have a feeling he’s gona use you just to make himself feel better…" Kyra (I’m pretty sure I heard that correctly)
This I bite my lip at and kind of think maybe this is the one for him. Hell maybe not it could be one of the other 32 girls of his collections who knows. But I am coming to drifting away from having ths huge idiotic crush on him. Let me says its ridiculous and I’m tired of thinking about him and talking about him. It annoys me and I bet it annoys my friends. Like I’m just waiting for one of them to say “Shut the FUCK UP ABOUT DAN ALREADY! HOLY $%%#*^!!” But why do I have these feelings about this kid I barely know. I will never know. Hell I had a dream about him last night…which felt realistic that it SCARED me. I woke up still processing the dream and when I opened my eyes to see my mom walking in the hallway to go to the bathroom I said "Nooo…I’m not done yet. Not at the good part…" What…the hell was I saying but now I’m getting really angry and impatient and that dream just urked my sudden being that. ‘Thats enough as soon as he breaks up with this current girl your ass is going to talk to him whether you like it or not you sleeze bag.’
Another thing that makes me wana flip a desk is Shayna with her crush Dylan who she met at her iOP (therapy group I’m sure). They both like each other I’m like “WHY DON’T YOU TWO GO OUT ALREADY! YOU BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER! JUST GO OUT SO YOU BOTH CAN SHUT THE FUCK UP!” She says he’s always smiling. Which I think is good for her. Someone always smiling when someone is always sad. And no matter how much they may have bad times, just having that person smile all the time just brightens up everything. I think he’s good for her. Especially since he always gets bitches just like my crush. The scary thing about the two of us. me and Shayna, is both of the guyz we like have blonde hair, are white, have blue eyes, and get bitches.
"I wish I could get bitches. >3>" -Me
"So do I, I get shit."- Shayna
And when we discussed about the guys we like being similar I just looked at her and said “Who are you…?!” as is she was some sort of diabolical alien from a different dimension.
I also can’t wait for Warped Tour on July 20th I’m going with Lauren and meeting up with a couple of other friends. But 5 days after it is my birthday and I wana have a nice sweet 16 birthday party with everyone I know and…talked to like Shayna, Kyra, Rebecca, Breanne, Lauren, Lily, Britt, Jackie, Sarah, Sabrina, Andrew M (Floppy Disk), Skinny Jeanz, Kyle, Akeem (Panda), maybe Nick and Dan, Vivian, and blahh blahh. just a lot of people. have my pool open get some water guns have a slip n slide, make smores at night, music, bam there we go. But I really want cosplays though so I don’t know.
My parents are leaving to Texas next friday and I’m pretty glad for that. But hell I hope something magical happens while they are gone. So that it isn’t a waste just leaving me home. I hope something happens while they are gone. I just want to be happy and out the house this summer…
Another thing that has ticked me off this week was what Brenden said on his facebook status when he did those like my status crap for this and it was the Dear ex’s one he did it said “Dear ex’s I’m not gonna lie I miss some of you and regret some of the shit I’ve done in the past but what’s done is done so watever.” now this was word through word of what he actually said. Like I don’t know its like you can tell he doesn’t mean what he said cause “whats done is done so watever.” just throws the whole thing off. Why write the shit in the first place if you don’t really mean what you say. Just goes to show all he cares about is himself. Don’t write anything if you don’t mean what you fuckin say. At least sweeten it by saying “I regret what I’ve done and I’m sorry for everything and I do deeply regret it.? So it doesn’t make you look like a total Jackass and a liar.
Now that something rings a bell in my head looking back to when I was in school and I was walking to my locker with Lauren asking what Dan had said he does know me well. I don’t think he wanted to admit it though cause either he actually likes me or is trying to hide it or he doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to be anywhere near me.
"I think he said that cause he doesn’t want to admit that he likes you and is going out with a ton of girls to get your attention." -Shayna (as what she said very similar to this)
I don’t know I just wish he would get out of my head. I’m like a stone right now. I won’t go anywhere and I won’t do anything til I have him which is STUPID. And that dream will forever be running in my head like the one where I rapidly unbuttoned his shirt this time in it he was in my house…
What the hell is wrong with me. Just vanish from my vision and my head before I have a stroke…
but he was so close to me that it was…STOP THE MADNESS!
Summer So Far
My summer has already started to take on since animeNEXT started. I mean there was a fight in my last period class which was math. And apparently they thought it was a good idea to mess with the dark girl in the corner. Like as if she hasn’t been fucked up already this year since she got a boyfriend. Her hait turned greasy and looks unwashed and she wears her boyfriends clothes….everyday. Like an over and over thing until a month passes it was gross. I’m sorry. I remember when she was nice and a little weird then she got all…mehh and started being a jerk to everyone then when everyone was a jerk back she shut the hell up cause everyone got tired of her throwing in rude comments. It was just obnoxious. Then when she was quiet people picked on her the more they picked the more she got worse. She called a black girl in my class a gorilla and kicked a pregnant girl and threw stuff at her. Which is a big NO NO! You don’t hit or throw or do any kind of damage to someone who’s pregnant. I don’t care who the hell you are. YOU DON’T DO THAT! NUMBER ONE GOLDEN RULE HERE!!! She got her ass beat for that and which I do not feel sorry in the least. But for my classmates to disturb her was like no. Just no. If she is minding her own business and your ass knows shes OFF THE WALLS! DON’T MESS WITH HER! and can you blame her for saying “Touch me and I’ll slip your throat.” Hmm not really. I mean the girl that I used to be friends with since elementary school even admitted she touched her hair. I just sat there like why in the HELL would you do that! When y- oh god just…I don’t even know then this girl Morgan said “Why are you defending her?” you idiot! I’m not defending ANYONE in this arguement it was the fact your friend touched her and threw shit at her when she did NOTHING! NOTHING! And really all I wanted to do was watch Sailor Moon with my friend Kyra who came in my math class to watch it. But Nooooooo! Everything has to go their way and start shit! Like when tomorrow is out last day which was June 14th. They didn’t wana watch it cause half of them didn’t know what it was and mostly cause its ANIME! Like calm your tits. Then they decided to turn it off. Where was the teacher you may ask? Well shes just one of those people who is calm, does yoga, against violence, blah blah you know. But yet we did have a fire drill. In the parking lot guess what I had to do? I had to talk to the girl Alex who was getting beat up and my class pratically cause I had the balls to and I abviously had something to say. First talk to Alex “Ok I’m not gona say anything mean to you cause I’m not like that. But you have to stop starting shit. Mrs. C excuse my language. I don’t know whats wrong with you but you need to talk to someone. I’m not saying this to be mean just helpful. You need to talk to someone. You need to get help. Like I wear black just as much as you do and I use to get made fun of. A LOT. But I don’t since everyone is pretty laid back since we started high school and I don’t say anything along with I’m just nice to people. Like I know you being bullied and I know these kids are annoying as shit but HELL we are ALL annoying. But they are nice kids. And please say sorry to them for my sake cause I’m just talking to you. And say sorry to Kaitlin too. Can we all just get along?” (since she called her obese in the hallway…)
Zaire: I’m not annoying right?
Me: “We’re ALL annoying.” -___-
Everyone in my math class looked at me and they knew it was true. And knew exactly what I was talking about. After that I went to Coog’s room its actually Mr.McCoog he’s the tech teacher at our school the cool one. I had went with Madison and Kyra cause we couldn’t take the kids anymore. Kyra said that my math class was the worst and I told her that! After that I just walked with her to my house and watched the rest of Sailor Moon. I had to walk it all off and talk to her which I did then I had to get ready for my uncle’s high school gradguation.
The gradguation was nice. It was a very small class so it didn’t take long. After that we took pictures, ate dinner, blah blah. After all that I was TIRED! I nearly passed out in Ruby Tuesdays. When we went to Wawa to get some stuff I couldn’t even walk I was that tired. I didn’t go to school the next day since I was till pissed and I was extremely tired. Plus my uncle was over for the night and we played video games junk like that. Along with my 2 brothers.
By the way animeNEXT was FUN! I loved it, everyone was so cute. I met a sexy Japanese man, got his autograph, got a sexy Sebastian pillow from Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji, went to the RAVE and I was happy. Now that left is Warped Tour to go to and my 16th birthday.
Sadly to say Dan got another girlfriend. Which I smiled and said “They’ll break up.” and plus there are others in the sea. Along with Lauren being pissed cause she is tired of him dating airheads (They’re out of control!) and Nick is probably tired of it too. Nick asked Dan about me and he said that he doesn’t know me very well. Which is okay since Lauren, Nick, and Kyra will help me and the family (my group of friends) are routing for me. Nothing to worry about lovies.
Also I started running. Yup!, I’m running this whole summer. Everyday. I might go to Texas, and I probably going to coney island in New York. Good shit happening guys. (I kind of wana talk to Kyra right now. yesthisiskyra if you see this pleeeaaasssee call me as soon as you can.)
On my birthday the family (friends) are gona come over since we will have the pool up by then and so we can take a group photo. ;) Also going to Sabrina’s with them too in her pool soon. I don’t know when but soon. This summer is already pretty great.
Oh yeah Brenden is texting me…AGAIN. Well like 2 days ago. I miss him a tiny bit but I can’t really get close to him as much as I want to since he seems to push me away at times. He pisses me off sometimes! But love messing with the kid he’s like a puppy ahahaha. He’s such a flirt too. -Shaking my head- I just hope he would stop acting like a douchedick. I think the only reason he texted me is because I’ve been texting Akeem one of his friends cause me and Panda (I call Akeem Panda) are pretty good friends. I guess he might be jealous…or he knows something I don’t know. I think Dan might have told him that his brother had suggested me to him…I sense trouble.
DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!
Good News! (I want you. Now I can have you.)
This is gona be blunt and solid. Dan broke up with his girlfriend the other day. My friend Lauren told me yesterday. I am REALLY excited now. She told me when I was at my locker which is near a big window (love it by the way. Just hate how far down the hallway it is). I had just opened up my locker and was talking to Kyra and Shayna. She pops up and says “Dan broke up with his girlfriend!” and I immediately run into my locker and clutch the door trying not to fall and to get a hold of myself. This was pretty much my reaction.
And Lauren’s boyfriend Nick is going to help too. Thats Dan’s older brother but they aren’t too much apar from age only a year or 2. He told Lauren that I’d be a lot better than any of the girls Dan went out with.
"Are you making Nick help out with getting me with Dan?” -Me
"Well…a little bit. But he actually does want to help. He thinks you’d be better for him unlike all the girls he went out with." -Lauren
"Cause most of those girls he goes with are airheads." -Me
"They are! And I’m gona tell him that right in his face! That the girls he went out with are whores" -Lauren
"Lauren!, Thats mean! Don’t do that!" -Me
"Your right. I’ll tell the girls that they are whores.” -Lauren
"Your just asking for trouble." -Me
"I like trouble." *smirks* -Lauren
I just stared a her for a moment.
"Of course you do." -Me
With that I went on the bus. Kyra was suppose to go to the mall with me but her friend’s b-day was in the way and she didn’t call me at all yesterday. Lauren couldn’t go since she was grounded for not taking out the trash. And Shayna had cramps. So I couldn’t go the mall yesterday. I was pretty upset about that and disappointed that on a important day where I had a chance to actually possibly go out with a crush, my own dream boy. The dream boy I have been dreaming about since I was probably 12 or 13. The worse thing about this was that Nick was waiting for me at the mall so he could help hook me up with his younger brother. I feel horrible! He waited, goddammit! WAITED. For me to come and I couldn’t cause no one would go and I didn’t have a ride. I was at Madison’s house looking at cosplays for animeNEXT. Which, by the way, is coming up this week. So I have a lot happening. Well at least I got to play Portal 2… -sigh-
Well now I have to wait…AGAIN! Something I don’t want to do I wanted to do it now… But I trust Nick will keep an eye on him he’s a good guy, and a good brother. Dan is like something I always wanted in a guy tall, big in muscle (without exercise wise just big natural with out being heavy in fat ya’know). Likes metal, wears eyelinear, and has hair touching his shoulders. Perfection.
He’ll be mine within days. But first thing is first I have to give it a few days to get to know him. After that boom he’s either mine or a friend. If he is mine then all I really need to be straight and blunt about is hiding stuff from me and treating me like I’m not there that kind of junk. If he does that I have no tolerance for it. Zero. Hopefully he understands. He’s been hurt a lot I can tell. Thats what interest me the most seeing those scars, that pain in someone thats been through a lot. It makes people look unique and not like a ghost or a blob with no color. Thats what makes a person and thats what makes them stronger inside and out. I like to see that in people.
With me if I have him. I’ll hug him and say “It’s okay.” that I’ll be here as long as you want me here.
Eat, Run, and Sleep
So when school lets out on June 14th I’m gonna start running EVERYDAY this summer. I really wana lose this weight its ugly and unattractive and I don’t want diabetes or whatever and I want cute clothes. So nothing but a WHOLE lot of water with fruits and some veggies along with eating meat like chicken and turkey. So my summer plans are to Eat, Run, and Sleep. But when I’m on my “monthly gift” I’ll just walk. I’m gona be running behind my old elementary school since its near my house and no one is there. I’ll run about 3 laps. I’ll jog the first 2 then run the whole time on my last lap without stopping. If the “monthly gift” occurs I’ll just walk all 3 or 4 laps. I’ll run early in the morning like about maybe 6. I’ll run first then eat in the morning then in the evening or afternoon I’ll eat first sit for a lil while then go run. I really want that night curvy body so I can cosplay like Tifa, Yoko, Shura, Megurine Luka, Kasumi, Mooka, etc. All those sexy anime female characters.
Hopefully when Warped Tour rolls around I’ll probably have lost 20 pounds. Maybe… since its on July 20th. I just want a nice figure so I can get better stuff with out the hassal. I hope my mom can get a weight scale that digital so I can see how much I progressed every week. I’m just so determined I’m really going to push myself no matter how tired I may get.
Didn’t See That Coming (Some People Will NEVER Change)
So on memorial day I was at my friend Britt’s house for the memorial day weekend since she had family come over cause of their birthdays landing in May. They called it A May Fest since most of her family members birthdays land in May. But on monday I found out that Madison was the one who gave me that apology in transitions. I was like “Holy S$%$*@..! Wow… Well at least you said sorry…” She said sorry for lying which she lies like A LOT. She’s been lying since Elementary school. But I’m glad she said sorry. I just can’t believe that it wasn’t him. When she over heard me talking to Breanne or Briit I think she said “Who him? He didn’t write anything for anyone of those papers. He didn’t write a single compliment. He left them blank. Probably because he thinks he’s all high and mighty cause he knows how to play the guitar.” THIS, I had to agree on cause he does know how to play guitar and thinks he’s hot shit with it.
"You what he put on mine?" -Madison
"A seal walks into a club." -Madison
-laughing a little inside but deep down that is some wrong shit-
-laughs a little but not a lot- “Are you serious? Wow.”
Some people never change do they? -Smh-
In school I had transition today which is like this thing for freshman where seniors do activities with you once a month and helps you out with high school or something. I think its cute and I rather have it as a class. So today we were given brown paper bags and slips of paper putting in compliments or nice things in the bags but we couldn’t put our names on the slips of paper I was pretty glad about that cause the last 3 papers I slipped in I had given to the wrong people by accident >.< Anyway my ex had been put in the transition (not the one doing weed) Lets just say I haven’t talked to him since 7th grade cause we went out in 6th cause I felt bad for him. And he’s a heavy kid and a lot of people made fun of him. When I started making fun of him people made fun of me and I have been made fun of it through out my whole middle school experience it was awful. They only made fun of me cause he was chubby like come on now. People still bring it up til this day like in the beginning of the year of my freshman year. But now no one bothers (Thank gawd!) But when people do I now have my guard of for it. Anyway I read some of the slips one said “Your very unique.” Well obviously… another said “Your necklace is cute :)”, “You did great this year [insert heartfelt sjsfhfj(something I can’t read it so I put the random letters) here.], and “Ambitious”. Then 2 were blank (Thanks guyz -_-). Last but not least I knew it was him cause no one in the has had issues with me or know me very well so I knew it was him but it said “Hey I really am sorry for being a jerk and a liar.” And THAT just made my WHOLE day let me tell you. >.>
The thing is, is if he meant it but I think he does. I’m such an idiot though! Cause I put “Your beast at guitar dude!” or something. But I was sooo close in putting “I’m sorry.” on it! But I thought he wouldn’t apologize!! like Holy #$^&^*!!!!! I feel like a giant turd that won’t flush now! Hopefully I see him in the mall so I can say thank you and that I forgave him a long time ago just didn’t have the balls to say I’m not mad at you but I was afraid someone would bring up our relationship we had in 6th grade! Anyone who still brings it up is pathetic though! At least he said sorry I’m very happy about that. I’m just mad that I didn’t apologize for lying myself. I wanted to break up with him cause he just didn’t seem for me and I only went out with him cause I felt bad. I just lied cause I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I had made everything worse… So happy he said sorry though he’s got balls! unlike SOMEONE I KNOW!!!!!!! -rolls eyes-. But now I can finally pick my head up and look at him. Instead of with disgust. Cause he did hurt me and he said sorry for it. That wish is really taking affect though. It really is I wonder what else it has in store for me. :)
Songs Really Are Beautiful.
I know there are a lot of songs out there that teens listen to and stuff but sometimes I don’t see the message with some of them. I know some of them are fun and corky and all but still. There are songs that dig deep inside the core of you that make you want to burst in tears. I just got done listenin to some deep songs like Whats is Love By NeverShoutNever, The Only Exception By Paramore, Oh Well, Oh Well By Mayday Parade, Have Faith In Me By A Day To Remember,and On The Brightside by NeverShoutNever. I asked my older brother if he ever heard of songs that have a message to them. But he took it another way like songs that have a message but you don’t get em til you hear it over and over or the second time around when you look at the lyrics. Still close enough. But just hearing these songs got me thinking about the people I met and what I have gone through to who I am today. Things will get better hopefully.
I really do want to make songs and videos like with telling myself and stopping myself from things. Just imgaine it like telling my kid self not to do this or having myself the current age I’m in but go back about 5-6 months ago to try and warn myself. But still I know it won’t have strengthen me. And I know I have to stay on my own two feet whether people are there or not. But it is hard I know that. “I will never sing of love if it does not exist.” I’ll keep that with me but I know its better to love then to never love at all. I’m gona meet people who go through a lot. I do want to make a song about my 3 friends Shayna, Kyra, and Rebecca but with respect to them cause I know they have a load still balancing on their shoulders. And I want to help but I’m either too late or I can’t do it. No matter how many times they want to push me away from helping a little bit I try a little at a time. But really I’m just a stupid girl. Nicki Minaj should have made stupid girl instead of Stupid Hoe. I think the point that I come across of it is that some girls are stupid. And I’m one of them. But I still try. I just want to make a visual of what my friends went through and that you don’t know until you stepped in their shoes and if you do know about people that are or who have gone through this keep them close no matter what.
Some Good News and Some New, News
So on friday when school ended and I went downstairs in the main lobby of the school to talk to my friends something came up. Kyra told me that a friend of hers was looking for a screamer for their band. And told her I’d be perfect since I scream really good for a girl. And he really wants to hear me do it. The guy that was the screamer in his band left cause he didn’t wana be in the band anymore of something. So I’m REALLY excited to try out for em and see if they like me. Since he really wants to hear me. But like how I am lately my emotions get to me. Like what if he thinks I’m horrible, trying too hard, or laugh at more, or isn’t what he’s looking for. I mean if I were a screamer in a band and get noticed this would be good and I’d get paid pretty damn good money if we were noticed. Because
1.) I’m a girl. You don’t see a lot of female girl screamers that are in the metal industry. Or even really noticed of liked that much.
2.) I have black in me. BLACK. and do you see black men or WOMEN doing screams unless its like a spiritual, R&B song or something. Hell no! This would be effin good for me to a certain extent if I can really dish it.
I just hope that they like me. Cause it would be good for me ya’know? I can’t wait but I’m a tiny bit nervous.
My cousin came for a visit today from Atlanta, Georgia I was pretty happy to see her. Cause I did want to talk to her but I couldn’t cause my other family came too like my Aunt Gina, my cousin Tim, and my uncle TJ (but he always comes over). So like the only time I could talk to her was in he rental car when mom went to go get some groceries to cook stuff on the grill. The only thing we talked about really was music. But it seemed like she didn’t wana talk to me which was UNBELIEVEABLE to me. She was tired and all but still we always have like conversations. I don’t if it’s me or everyone around me but something funny is going on like just this year. And its not high school or my break up. There has been something wrong since the start of this year and I can’t put my finger on it. I’m gona keep trying though.
I talked to my uncle TJ since he’s around my age about things and how I can’t talk to people this year. He thought that maybe it was because I think I’m high and mighty and I said “No! Thats not it at all its just I can’t talk to people for some odd reason this year.” and that girls this year have been sneaky this year too. That he agreed on with me, good thing I’m not alone here. “I’m not gona be any girls for a while since they are acting like fucking cunts. But asian girls are sexy as shit.” since I said it be a good thing if he had an asian girlfriend, wife, fiancee and stuff. And that it be a miracle if I had an asian boyfriend. I told him that my ex has been acting shady since we broke up. “Thats what happens in relationships when your all broken up.” stuff like that. But I brushed this all off my shoulders cause I have a little bit of hope.
So the bracelet that my friend Shayna gave me I think maybe on Wednesday was it? But anyway she said she made it for me and that I get one wish. I’m thinking a wish is what I need right now. And so far its been coming true. I can’t say what I wished for cause then it won’t come true. I told her that cause I wanted it to come true. She told me “Don’t wish for Dan.” when we were texting each other. “No. lol I won’t. I’m gona wish for something better.”
"Could you tell me?"
"I can’t cause then it won’t come true"
"Could you give me a hint?"
"Just one hint."
My response was
Just think about it better… Seems pretty easy. If not think harder.
Haha and she said tht when my bracelet falls off that my wish will come true. Funny thing is…It came off today. I don’t really believe wished but hopefully it comes and helps me out. I really need it. And part of it already came true when I still had it on. So I have faith in it.
I didn’t get to go to Great Adventure/Six Flags. Cause i got notified at the last minute. and for the World of Difference trip too. So THANKS GUYYZZZ! -_- I’m pretty much on my last year here in Jersey and you guys decide to tell me things at the last minute cause you think I already knew. Like guys I have to go home to watch my little brother. Didn’t I tell you? Oh well then. Since no one gives 2 shits about me.
But eh its okay. Hopefully they can make this all up in the summer.
Let’s Set Some Things.
So when I move to Texas around this summer hopefully I promise myself I will be more outgoing to grow out of being timid. I’ll join the track team and if I don’t get in run the track anyway cause I really need to lose weight to get this water fat off me like water pouring down like a fountain. I’ll try to start conversation with everyone I approach that SEEMS approachable. When I lose the weight I’ll cut my hair similar Emma Watson has hers all short. I really like short hairstyles on girls it makes them look cute but mature at the same time. I want my hair to be choppy and short like some of those Korean guys I see on here, on tumblr. I wear some makeup that brings out my eyes and have a nose ring or stud and have a couple piercings on my ears. I want some tattoos but hmm…I do kind of wana be a model if possible. I’ll still be myself but even better though I’ll looks better and act better. This is what I want this is what I dream of having. Not to fit in. Not at all. Just to be me this is what I wanted since I was little. And I don’t wana let my child self down.
I wana be someone one day theres so many things I wana do. I wana model, possiby be a japanese teacher to taech japanese to students, maybe be a screamer in a bad, and an actor. I’m just setting goals for myself when I turn 18-19. I’m almost 16 so it won’t be too long. I’m gona be in New York with my best friend Shayna for college. I really wana cosplay but I gotta get this weight off.
I feel like I did eveything where I live, in New Jersey. Everyone seems happy and has moved on except me. I still stay the same and in the same place, stranded. Some people will miss me maybe. But I gotta find my own way to stand on my own 2 feet. I need to move on is all. Its too late to change a little here in this place. I’m glad all my friends seem happy. But isn’t it time for me to be happy too?
When I move I’ll talk to people no matter who they are or what they look like I’ll say “Hi, um whats your name.” politely and friendly. All I get is ignored here like I’m invisible and it kills me inside. I hope I meet a lot of people in Texas that might like me. But just hope it isn’t the same here where I get the cold shoulder.
I’m getting tired of being the last choice to people or acting like I’m not there. I’m really tired of it and yet I don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m not talking to anyone this year. I know I’m always quiet but still. Its like this huge part of me just gave up on trying to make friends. I’m afraid that I annoy people or that people won’t get me when I start talking about things and just ignore me. But I don’t wana be alone anymore. I just really would like those nights back where people would text me when I go to bed and I hide the phone under my pillow and just being impatient for the weekend to come and not giving a damn about school. All I cared about was having fun on that one day or over the weekend. Now no one will even talk to me or even care to look at me.
I don’t know but I’m getting a little more paranoid then usual and more bashful. I wish I was on my senior year of high school. I just wana get out of here before I do something bad to myself. All I want to do now is claw at my arms ripping the skin open as my nails drip with crimson blood and dead skin inside my finger nails. I don’t want to cut. No. It be pointless and wouldn’t make me feel like anything. I just don’t understand. Please can I leave this place already. But if I leave…I won’t have anyone but myself which would be worse.
I wana have a screamo/metal/post-hardcore party when I turn 16 in July. But I know no one would really wana go since they either have plans or others just wana do weed, drink, or be with their partners. So I know it would be out of the question. I’m waisting my teen years but I don’t wana change. Not for anyone. You can all keep your weed and alcohol beverages. I don’t want it. I don’t need it! Can’t You See?! I don’t see the point. I wish we didn’t have this bullshit and now people are gona say. “Sees only saying that cause she hasn’t tried it.” I DON’T WANT IT. I can wait til I’m a little older then maybe I will try it. But not now I need answers first.
I really wana cosplay. But I need to loose weight and get more money. I wana cosplay Tifa from Final Fantasy, Shura, Rin, and Bon, from Blue Exorcist/Ai No Exorcist, Shizuo from Durarara!!, Haurhi, from Haruhi Suzumiya, Yoko from Gurren Lagann, Grell from Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler, Hediki from Chobits, Taiga from Toradora, Riku from Kingdom Hearts, Megurine Luka from Vocaloids, Moka from Rosario+Vampire, and the main girl from Mirai Nikki and thats pretty much about it. I REALLY want to cosplay it looks like a lot of fun. But I can’t really cause of my height and weight but mostly my weight. Can’t wait until Warped Tour though. Although the line up isn’t its best this year…
Ugh we had a Science/Biology Exam today and tomorrow. Let me tell you I didn’t know anything it all went through one ear and out the other the only thing I knew really was the open eneded questions and yet I think I did bad on that too. Homework is decreasing a bit. Good thing cause I don’t feel like doing shit as soon as it turns May. Lauren was in school today since she wasn’t yesterday. Nothing about Nick spilling the beans or Dan breaking up with his…girlfriend. -sigh- She didn’t say much today. Mmm oh well, okay. I hope we could spend time together be like sisters again double dating and everything. But I feel annoying just talking about that kid all the time -blush- But my thoughts about him have decreased cause I know that you can’t get the things you really want. I’m not trying to get my hopes up in trying to see if we can be together. In fact I’m trying to get over him cause I will NEVER have him and I need to get these thoughts out of my head. In my case I’m doing a pretty good job with it. I don’t want to hurt myself by having these images and fantasies in my head. He will never be in my arm, he will never speak to me, he will never look at me, he will never think about me. Just never. Someone will like me for who I am inside, and out, will be my dream being whether boy or girl. Someone who I always imagined that is like me in a way and will always be with me regardless of how I look or how I may feel.
But really who am I joking. This is magic. And magic is for fairytales.
People. People. And More People.
Today was pretty funny and fun. I woke up early today well…yesterday since its 12 now. I got my hair done at a different salon that wasn’t crowded like the other one and I could UNDERSTAND them a lot better and they weren’t tacky. I found it randomly when my mom was driving. And the do mostly appointments and can do hair styles and stuff. So hopefully I can get my choppy layers. When my mom was getting money from TD Bank and was leaving like all she did was drive in front of a woman cause she wasn’t moving and she decides to beep her horn like 5 times like a dumbass. I seriously wanted to get out the car and take off my shoe and hit the car rapidly screaming “STFU WITH THAT BEEPING!” and when she could finally turn to get out she has the nerve to open her window and call my mom an “Ignorant Ass” A) You don’t know my mom and for all you could have known she could have been a cop. B) I was in the car and your setting a bad example for yourself and your not going anywhere most likely so why rush. and C) I hope you get an STD as a mother’s day gift, cunt. It was funny when my mom cussed her out.
But me and my mom laughed it off cause it was pretty funny.
"Ahhh woman." -Mom
"Omg I freakin hate woman." -Me
I pretty much do they are just sooo ugh! like sneaky most of em and easily jealous, junk like that. I don’t know. I had better relationships with men then I had with woman. But thats just me. So I got my hair done and I really liked the salon the woman there were really nice and funny. I was actually pretty comfortable there. The girl that was doing my hair asked me simple questions like “What school do you go to?”, “How old are you?”, “Whats your name.” Just basic questions, it didn’t bothered me and she knew instantly how my personality was and she was fine with it. I liked her she was nice.
After that I went to go get heels and a card which took forever but I managed. My mom thought I was being a little rude but eh… When I went to Alyssa’s sweet 16 party it was small but cute and nice. I actually dances and had a nice time. The only people I knew were Kyra, Sarah, and Remy. But everyone else was nice too. i enjoyed myseld. And may I say the food was good especially the cake. I got the Nutella side and it was my first time having Nutella but in a cake! And omg it was like an orgy in my mouth. Fucking loved it!
Well I went home kind of early but cause the party ended around 11 and it was like 10:50 something. So I went home and took a shower and here I am. That was my day.
I wonder what Nick thinks about liking his little brother and approves. I could understand if he didn’t or if he knows Dan doesn’t really like me. But I can wait…up until I move ):
Lauren and I should have a screamo ish rock party since our birthdays are in the same month and are like 6 days apart mine is in July 25, hers is July 31. I turn 16 and she turns 15. So hmm I’ll tell her about it on Monday and see what she thinks. Right now I need to do a speech for english that needs to be at least 2-3 minutes long. Ugh… and now I must have sleep cause my leg feel like jello from dancing so much… X_X